Shooting Down Cupid Part 1
Fooh-Pah - Nick Jahn
Okay guys, stay with me on this one. Ladies, please keep reading - it may give you an idea of what guys
want and/or don't want.
This story chronicles one of the most promising of all singles' pick-up opportunities. Yes,
that's right - a trip to the airport and subsequent air travel. It all begins with dropping off
the car at the park-o-rama at 6 am or so. There could be a host of single women also
dropping off the car and then jumping on your tram to the terminal. It's the longest of
shots in the air travel sequence of events, but it could happen. My hopes are high!
Next is the line at the airline counter. We give a quick glance at the targets that may
be boarding our flight. Hmmm…yep; one, two, three, maybe more are in line. Things
are looking good!
After the ticket agent has told you to use the automated machine, step aside, then
called you back up for your luggage check, it's time to move on to the next potential
hot-spot: the multi-layered serpentine security line! Yes! It's full, and backed up all the way to the
Starbuck's! This is looking really good, fellas. We now have the opportunity to pass by several gals not
once, not twice, but perhaps three or four times before going through security. That's plenty of time to
get a witty quip together. Heck, you don't even need to pass directly by her - you only need to watch
which coffee shop she ends up at after security and stalk - um, I mean, coincidentally meet at the same
place for a latte.
Even if we are still showing a goose egg this far into the airport sanctum, there is still the waiting area
at the gate. Now it's time to verify that the gals we saw in line are or are not on the flight. Yep, there she
is. Okay - stay calm. All that needs to happen now for everything to fall into place is to play the 1 in
150-seat odds that you are sitting next to her. If so, bingo!
Now, I don't like to brag or anything. But I do have some 200,000 or so airline points. So needless to say
I'm an old pro at this game. I must have linked up with more gals than I can count via air travel. My
friend even married a gal because of who he met on a flight. So let me count how many times this has
worked out for me; let's see…hold on…still counting...okay got it…three. Three? Three damn f#%^in'
times? That's it? Oh well.
Well sweet fancy Moses - this is my lucky day! I have taken my window seat and looked up to find that
she has sat in my row. I didn't even notice. That's good - so it doesn't look like I was overly interested or
anything like that. Now I've got to come up with the perfect line to seal the deal. Let me reach deep into
my bag of tricks. Hmmm. So many choices - what to do?
Okay…nice…this is good stuff. I've got it - now it's all in the delivery. Stay calm, and be smooth. Here
goes. "Flying to Denver too, huh?"
As anticlimactic as that may have seemed, it did the trick. We start talking. Uh-oh, hold the phone. I
forgot to mention that she has the aisle, I have the window, and whoa - a rather large gentlemen not
smelling necessarily too great is now wedging his two-seat ass into the middle seat between us. Great.
Talk about a game killer. No problem, though. It will give the two of us something to talk about later.
She is actually really nice to the stinky lard-butt dude in the middle seat. I figure at this point that I'm
in. I mean, I don't consider myself repulsive so if she is nice to this guy then I will be good-to-go! At this
point I'm looking forward to the flight being over so that a) I no longer have to sit next to this guy and
b) I can get her business card. Everything is under control.
The airplane finally pulls up to the gate and we start the process of deplaning. Then - gasp - she stands
up. Ugh. The horror of all horrors. The most unattractive thing possible jumps out at me like a, um, well
since I'm not a Southerner I really have nothing to go on here. But trust me, it was bad. Anyway, fellas,
you probably guessed it by now - the fupa.
Now if you don't know what a fupa is, then go google it. If you do know what it is, then you know why I
was so disappointed. I gather my stuff and mope toward the exit. Double ugh - she's standing outside the
exit waiting for me in the jetway. Crap. Now what do I do? I stick to the plan and ask her for her business
card. I will email her as soon as I get a chance. I just haven't had the chance the last couple of years.
Now if you are a woman that I have sat next to on an airplane and you think that this story is about you
and your feelings are hurt, trust me - it wasn't you, okay? Don't worry - you were the attractive one who
was engaged or had a boyfriend or were wearing one of those annoying pink felt sweatsuits with
something like "Cutie" stitched across your rear (in which case I would not have talked to you anyway
because you were probably carrying a poodle on the airplane, too).
Furthermore - I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone with this article, but the fact
of the matter is that some things are attractive, and some things are not. Some women
would find me too skinny, ripped, cut, or too low bodyfat. I understand. It works both
ways, ladies - for men, too. Someone else may not have been the least bit turned off by
this gal. That's great too. There's someone out there for everyone, but you gotta keep
throwing it out there to find it. Remember, it's not called "catching", it's called
"fishing" for a reason. But that doesn't stop you from throwing a line out there in
the water, right?
Good luck the next time you go to the airport. Don't dread the process. It could be your lucky day!