Copia Magazine: Feature: Zen Master Training Course

Congratulations on ordering my Speed Zen Master Training Course. Interest
in the art of Zen has grown to mammoth proportions, and you may have
asked yourself, "What is a Zen Master and how can I become one?" Normally,
it requires complete commitment and many years of meditation to become
a Master. But not anymore. With my amazing course, you can become a Zen
Master in a matter of minutes.

How did I become a Zen Master? Zen is achieving the state of nothingness.
If there's anything I can achieve, I thought, it would be nothingness. Little
did I know my quest to become nothing took up the next 20 years of my life,
only to find that "nothing" was inside of me all the time. Nothing is inside of
you too, and as your master/teacher, I will bring you to this state quickly and
effectively. When the course is finished, you will say to yourself, "This is nothing," or your money back!

Let's get started. A Zen Meditation Robe is required to get started in the course. If you didn't order one
initially, my website offers a complete line in the kimono style starting at just $19.99. Any of them serve
faithfully for months, satisfaction guaranteed!

You need a Zen temple for your meditation, but temples are hard to
locate, and the commute is murder. Therefore, simply designate your
bathroom as your "Temple." It is here you will do your meditation. You
will also need a koan - the seemingly unanswerable riddle that isare
contemplated during meditation. For your koan, we will choose the
most famous of them all: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Now don your Zen robe and enter your temple. Take a seat on your
porcelain meditation chair. Rid your mind and body of all extraneous
thoughts and tensions. You should actually hear and feel them leaving
your body. Have you rid yourself of your burdens? Good. Contemplate
your koan: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Time is up. What is your answer? If it is "there is no sound," you are wrong. If your answer is "It takes two to
tango," you, my student, show much promise, but are also wrong. If your answer is, "The sound of the
wind," aha, you are clearly Zen Master material...but wrong. Try again.

Hopefully you have arrived at the correct answer. As your master/teacher, I will give you a hint: Raise your
dominate hand in the air. Now slap your fingers against your palm rapidly. Do you hear? That is the sound
of one hand clapping. Congratulations! You have succeeded! You are now a Zen Master! As such, you are
entitled to wear the robes of a master. You'll look deep, thoughtful and enlightened in one of our quality
Zen Master robes. Simply go to our Zen Master Robes page and choose your favorite model. Men and
women will go crazy for your Zen and Zexy look! Starting at only $149.95!

Now that you're a master, how do you apply Zen to your everyday life? Say your
light bulb has burned out. This will make a normal person angry. You just bought
that light bulb, didn't you? Gosh, they sure don't make light bulbs like they use to,
do they? But the Zen master doesn't feel anger. A master knows that light bulbs
are made to burn out, otherwise, you would only need one and what business
can operate without your constant need for more product? Don't get mad. Get Zen.

Must the light bulb be changed? You must answer that question for yourself.
Can you see in the dark? No? Then the bulb must be changed. How do you
change it? Meditate and wait for it to change itself? No. It will never change.
Decide that the light bulb has got to want to change? No. Like a Zen Master,
the light bulb wants nothing. So just change the damn thing. Do not take it for
granted. It is a marvel and a tribute to man's ingenuity.

Appreciate it. Admire it. Change it with pleasure.

As you go forth and become a teacher of Zen, You will be asked, "How can I become a Zen Master?" Do
you know your answer? The answer is: First, do not care if you become a Zen Master or not, and second,
print up some business cards.