Copia Magazine: Feature: Microchips

Across these United States, there is a war being waged. Of course, there are
many such civil wars, where one group wants everyone to live according to
their beliefs, and vice versa, but the particular war I am concerned with is
whether or not to implant the elderly with ID microchips.

Just like the chips you might have implanted in your dog, or in my case, my
pet Bengal Tiger, "Mr. Fluffy" (which reminds me I must to feed him since
he's lying on the couch eying me hungrily as he licks his powerful maw.)
With these chips, proponents argue, that nasty habit your elderly parents
have wandering off and getting lost is reduced to only a minor nuisance,
since they can now be scanned revealing their names, where they live, and
which hard candy is their favorite.

"Foul" cry the anti-chippers, this is clearly an invasion of privacy. They may
have reason to be concerned. Florida has already implanted the chips in
Alzheimer patients without their consent, granted by their guardians only.

Both Wisconsin and North Dakota recently passed laws prohibiting the
forced implantation of microchips in humans, and Virginia banned
companies from forcing their employees to be implanted with tracking
devices (though it should be noted Virginia banned them not because they
were an invasion but because they saw them as the mark of the devil.)

Recently, the University of Florida unveiled the tattletale pill. It is the size
of a period, has a digestible antenna, and can be swallowed. Time for your
medications, Grand Pa. This is exactly the kind of development the
anti-chippers point out when they argue that once the implantation begins
there will be no end. Soon we'll be chipping soldiers, prisoners, migrant farm
workers, and eventually every man, woman, and child. Even anti-chippers
must agree that tracking chips in children would virtually eliminate lost and
kidnapped kids.

The chips themselves will evolve, they say. They'll contain credit
information, criminal histories, mind readers and behavior modifiers, and
resume's (the real, truthful resume', not the kind you made up last time you
were looking for a job.) In short, the Government will be able to keep track of
people and their activities. Sounds horrid, doesn't it? Very Orwellian.

And that is why I am prepared to state publicly, for the record, that I am in
no uncertain terms a PRO-IMPLANT citizen. I am for it. Surprised? You
should be. I surprise myself, but bear with me for a moment while I convince
you. My main caveat is the government cannot implant the chips in anybody
(except they will because they can...probably). Instead, only an individual
can give the swallowing type to someone, secretly of course. Naturally, if
everybody had access to the chips, then everyone will implant everyone else
and what's special about that? No, the super chips would be a secret. Only I
would know about them, and now you will know too. So it's just us.

It's starting to sound fun, isn't it? Now, let me think. What will we do with
this secret microchip? Naturally, there's the aforementioned pesky parents.
No more worrying about them when you go climbing Mount Everest or
swimming with the dolphins in Maui. If they go wandering, simply call the
police, tell them where your parents have wandered and to go and pick them
up. They can hold them in a cell until you return.

Same with your kids. No more hiring expensive baby sitters. Now you can go
out to dinner and a movie and leave the kids at home by themselves. Simply
get the advanced microchip that you can actually speak through, seeming to
be a voice in your children's head. If they start to leave the house or play
with matches or anything, tell them not to directly through your Dick Tracy
watch and then send them to bed (did I mention the Dick Tracy watch? Yes,
you'll need one of those, available separately.)

Perhaps the best use of all will be to slip one in your spouse or significant
others Cap'N Crunch cereal. Then you can keep tabs on them, and if they
should end up at the By-The-Hour Motel you can make unexpected visit with
a lovely gift (I'll leave the nature of the gift up to you.)

So, I think I have convinced you that implantable microchips are a good
thing. But they are not good for everybody, just for you and me. Cap'n
Crunch anyone?